Beauty and Infertility

Let's See if I Remember how to do this...

2010-05-31T23:27:00.000-04:00

HA!! I think it's kind of like riding a bike...I'll start with my usual, still not pregnant, and the dramatics are still a-flowin'!

Lost my job, bummer, but not at the same time. I hated it there, I won't lie. Fun atmosphere, well, it was up until about 6 months ago. All that...neither here nor there!

The wedding that I spoke about, come and gone, and yes it was all a drunken blur, just as promised! Oh ya, anyone remember me saying I was doing the cake? Well here are the pictures:

And that Tattoo:

And the two of them together:

And I have a new GodDaughter, and I love her to pieces!!!

And tomorrow, is June 1st. They day I said I would start taking my fertility meds again. But I don't know if I should, because I actually "kind of" got my period on my own this month. UGH It doesn't end!!!

Well I'm back, now that I have time again! Leave a comment, say "Hi" let me know you aren't mad for deserting you!!

Beauty and the 20 Mile Walk....

2010-03-26T11:52:00.000-04:00

Hi Everyone!

I’m asking for your help! On June 26-27^th I will be taking part in an Overnight, 20 mile walk in Boston, Ma - for suicide Prevention and Awareness hosted by The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

I was inspired to walk this and support a girlfriend, within a week; I was notified that a friend of mine had taken his own life. This is such a tragedy, which does not discriminate against anyone. If deeply affects all survivors. This is just a small part I can do help raise awareness and promote prevention.

In order to be a fully registered walker, I must raise a minimum of $1,000. Please consider visiting the following link and donating. If I can get 50 people to donate 20.00 then I will have met my goal! Should you decide to donate, please use the link below.

Donation Link: http://www.theovernight.org//index.cfm?fuseaction=walk.supportwalker&walkerid=10015845

Thank you for your help and consideration!!!!

With Love,

Lauren

From my previous post

2010-03-20T11:35:00.000-04:00

Like I said, I'm not pregnant. Yay...~Insert Sarcasm Here~ But I am however taking this opportunity to enjoy my life as it stands to the fullest. As you have seen, I got a tattoo started. I'm not taking my next round of fertility meds until I'm done with it. I did finally pick those up yesterday. You know, after they sat at the Pharmacy for well over a week. I don't think Steve is overly happy about my decision to wait but after the emotional roller coaster I was on I just wanted to take a short breather.

I have my BFF's wedding coming up over Memorial Day weekend, and the bachelorette party the week before. I wouldn't be much fun with a bun in the oven. I wanna drink!! I know, that's selfish. I shouldn't be doing that if I wanna get preggo...I know I know. I do also however know that it's what I enjoy and when the time DOES come, I won't be able to do it at my leisure. It'll have to be really planned and dare I say....controlled??!!

I honestly will probably start the provera again June 1st. (If there's a plus side to this infertility shit, It's nice to be able to tell my body when I'm going to have my period, and not have it clue me in!) Right after the wedding and celebrations. That's said plan.

In the mean time, I will get tattoo'd and drink and be merry, and go to the gym, and come and go as I please, and try and maintain a positive outlook on life!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.....kind of....

2010-03-18T16:09:00.001-04:00

Well hello kids. It's been a while...Allow me to let cha know whats up.

1. I'm not pregnant. I did the metformin, I did the provera, and I did 100 mg X 5 days, went to the dr. every other day for 2 weeks and my stupid follicles did not cooperate. No growing, no nothing.

So I did what any infertile would do. I cursed God. I cursed myself. I considered going back to living single life. I cried. And then I got a tattoo.

Yup an enormous half arm sleeve. With a Koi, Orchid, Hibiscus, waves, leaves and clouds. All around my preexisting lone turtle. I love it.

Just the outline for now. I should be going back this sunday to finish the outline and the shading. Then probably next week to start the color!!!

Dear Girlparts,

2010-03-01T11:42:00.002-05:00

Why can't you just do what you are supposed to? I hate you.

Sincerely,
Lauren

Seriously, WTF is going on!?!

2010-02-26T15:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I wake up today and I am a train wreck!
Here's the order of how shit went down before I left my house for work today:

1. I wake up early...it's gonna be a good day, and I'm actually gonna be on time.
2. I roll out of bed and here *Thunk*, my cell phone falls under my king sized bed via route of in between my bed and the wall and heater.
3. Pull bed out and pinch hand on bed frame, grab phone
4. Come out to the living room, where my adorable dog Remy, managed to find ONE, repeat, ONE napkin from somewhere and shredded the entire thing in to 1 square centimeter bits and pulled my package of dentpicks from my purse ripped open the bag and gnawed on the floss part. DogBeast, Also went ON to husbands desk, ate an entire box of SnoCaps Candy and proceeded to shred that box into 1 centimeter squares over my entire living room.
5. I look at my husband and more or less accuse him of being a bad dog father because he doesn't have any new toys.

~~Cue "Lauren bursting into tears"

6.I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth and I look in the mirror, Not only do I have a zit, I have MULTIPLE ZITS! WTF Is that about!!!! So I douse my face with rubbing alcohol. Rubbing alcohol ends up on my tooth brush, which ends up in my mouth.
7. I go to take my first volkswagon sized Metformin pill of the day and burst into tears. Sit on my bathroom floor and start sobbing uncontrolably and Growl "I'm so sick-and-F@#*ING-tired-of-taking-these-M'erF'ing-Pills"
8. I almost get rear ended on the highway by some douche that waited until the last possible second to get onto the on ramp and then he flies by me and gives me the finger. To which I retaliate by pulling up to next to him in traffic, beep, flip him off and Scream "That's for your mother!!!" I know mature right?

Nevermind work today, and the drama and BS. This is awful. I truly wonder how many women end up in prison while on infertility meds. : /

Baseline, Blood work, and a Career in Porn

2010-02-24T15:15:00.000-05:00

I went Monday morning for my Baseline ultrasound and Bloodwork. YAY!! Another day with a bunch of people looking at my Cooter, while I'm spread eagle on a cold table with goose bumps on my thighs and ass. I must have looked like a Raw Thanksgiving Turkey awaiting my cavity to get stuffed with Cranberry Dressing! How's THAT visual??

So I'm laying there with a clipboard balancing on my boobs and the tech says, "Okay when I say Right you write down the numbers I give you, here" and points to the sheet of paper. "Same thing when I say left". Okay I can do this, simple directions....I'm gonna skip the details and just say they really should give you a pencil with an eraser and not a Sharpie Pen. Oh, how 'bout you let one of the other 4 people in the room looking at my HooHaa man the clipboard, while I image myself laying on a beach, and not like I'm in a scene for a bad XXX flick called GangBang the Infertile!

ANYWAY! Then she says "okay, now down on the bottom where is says, LF <12mm and RF <12.. I'll tell you a number and right it down for each ovary." She told me to write an "M" on each, which apparently means Multiple.

Now at risk of sound over eager, that would be good right? I mean if there are a multiple folicles on my ovaries, theres gotta be a chance that SOMETHING will fall out of it when I take the Ovidrel...Right?? RIGHT?!?!?!

Last nights dream...

2010-02-22T14:01:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night. I have figured out the cause of my infertility! Ready for this one?

I, apparently have a spider living in my uterus. She's got it set up like a sweet ass loft apartment, and has really good taste in furnishings and decor. The only problem is, she doesn't go food shopping, and she lives off my ovary dropped potential offspring. Glad I can help, but could you let one, maybe two through?! Please?

I should have told my RE this morning that "I no longer require the services you have provided Dr. Babymaker, I am now in need of an exterminator. Thank you for all you have done"

Who knows, Maybe she is like Charlotte and will weave a web message in my vaginal opening that will read something like "Some Baby" right before I deliver!

Hi! I'm here!! Are you excited? Did you miss me??

2010-02-18T14:04:00.000-05:00

Hellooooo out there in Blog -Land!!! So I've been Turkey Lurkey these days and haven't really been posting much. Commenting on a few here and there, but not really posting on my own. Why? Because I've had a very LAZY couple of weeks. Let me give you a recap of whats been going on, you know...if you care! Of course you do, you are my devoted followers and I adore each and everyone of you!

So, I had my follow up to the D&C on the 10th and all systems are a go. Got no cancer, the walls are shaved down, so now I have a nice and clean Uterus! I started 5 day Provera cycle, Started Metformin on Valentines day (might I add I HATE that medication). Now I sit patiently waiting for AF to make her grand debut for the first time since November. Then Clomid, Then Ovidrel. Then sex, lots and lots of sex. (That's my favorite part! Unless the Metformin side effects kick in, that could prove to be unpleasant!)

So what does all this mean? To be honest, I have no clue! Maybe a baby, maybe not, only time will tell.

I was offered to take over an infertility support group from a local woman here in my state. I've actually got my email reply back to her started. She is passing on it, because she is currently expecting, after years of infertility. The only hesitation is, What if I am one of the "lucky" ones and gets El Preggo soon. Then I would have to pass it off to someone else, because I too know how difficult it can be watching someones pregnant belly grow, all the while contemplating bathing in deer urine while rubbing crushed red pepper in my eyes if it would mean getting pregnant. I'm not sure, just not sure.

So I'm starting back at the gym this weekend. I've been given the green light as of over a week ago, but again, L-A-Z-Y!!!! I'll let you know how that works out for me!!

Holy Crap!!! My First Blog Award!!

2010-02-09T11:53:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning, like any other morning, annoyong alarm clock blaring music, The alarm on my phone going off. (I like to sleep and it's something I'm REALLY good at once I fall asleep) I get up turn of the clock radio, turn off the phone and check my email. (Thank you data phone, that I don't use nearly enough of its capabilities) And what do I find? A comment that says "I gave you a blogger award. Come to my site and get it! :)" So Thank you Where's My Stork! (Check out her blog!)

SO to be able to accept this award, I must first, Thank the important people in my life, thank the academy, ~points to the ceiling~ Thanks My man with the plan the notorious G.O.D.....okay seriously though Thank you to my friend over at Where's My Stork...Now I have say 7 unusual things about myself...

Can you handle it?

1. I got married at center ice on a Hockey Rink 5 years ago. Steve has an undying love for the sport and I decided to share my day with his other love. Wasn't that nice of me?

2. I was a Bouncer for 4 years at a few of the best clubs in the state. It was by far the most fun job I've ever had!

3. I have the same core group of girlfriends that I've had most of my life and we are all super close and they are the best that I could ever ask for.

Joce and I have been friends since the second grade,

Her dad was going to marry my Aunt, but she refused because she was dying of breast cancer and didn't want him to have to be a widower.

Alicia and Joce and I - friends since Junior High School, (Joce introduced me to Alicia)

Joce and I met Katie and Sarah when we started working at the club in 2000.

And we've all been close friends since then!

Now here is where it gets fun!!

Alicia is married to Katie's younger brother, so Katie and Alicia are Sister's-in-law, Sarahs fiance is best friends with Katies brother, Alicias mom is marrying Joce's Dad in April so they are going to be Step sisters. Now the connection I must have with Sarah will be someday when I get pregnant, and it's a boy, Sarahs daughter and my son will fall in love later in life and realize that their arranged marriage was a perfect fit! HAHA!

The joys of living in a small state!!

4. Mid way point...hmmmm well..I sell Adult movies and adult toys for a living. ;) (Sorry to those that think it may be a little unsavory, but I love my job!) I've meet a lot of nice people, and a few creeps along the way!

5. I'm an aspiring cake decorator. I dream about being on Food Network Challenge, or Duff Goldman the Ace of Cakes, contracting work out to me.

6. I'm an avid hockey fan. GO BRUINS! I LOVE YOU MILAN LUCIC!!!

I have such a love for the sport! Though we have no children yet, my husband and I have both volunteered with a local youth Hockey organization. He is currently, a coach, tournament director, and league scheduler. (That's just with that league, he's also a high school coach, and coaches an elite boys team AND a girls elite team....he's a busy guy!) I was the registrar for about a year and a half. But together we put together a girls tournament over Columbus Day Weekend Called "Fight Like A Girl". Its a tournament to raise funds and awareness for Breast Cancer Research.

7. I still have my security blanket from when I was a baby. It's in my closet but I still have it. We moved A LOT when I was a kid, and don't have many items from growing up. The two houses I lived in for the bigger portions or my life have been torn down. One by the airport, and one is now a bank parking lot. So occassionally I'll take it out and take a trip down memory lane. Like laying on the floor and using my dog Freckles as a pillow while I watched cartoons. Or when I was in a fire as a kid and my dad had me covered over with it when I was on the way to the hospital, he said I stopped crying the second he put it on me.

Now I have to nominate 7 other blogs, in no particular order, because I love reading EVERYONES Blogs!!:

1. Betty @ I married Barney, Now what?

2. Jen @ Maybe If you Just Relax

3. Megan @ Bottoms off and on The Table

4. Tiffany @ Young But Infertile?

5. Triumph @Finally a Mom - My Struggles and ultimate Triumph over Infertility

6. Kate @ Busted Plumbing

7. Marcelle @ Making Babies

The Hiatus is Over - a mash-up of thoughts from the past few days

2010-02-02T16:39:00.000-05:00

Well, this recovery isn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be. I got a nice little break from work, I'm not in agony like I had presumed I would be. It's good. I'll tell you though, when I stop life for a few days, it's hard to come back to reality!! Thank god I work with my BFF Alicia, and thank God and she is so good to me.

Last night I went for my dress fitting for my friends wedding that's in May. Needless to say, I have a lot to work on. HAHA, but It's cool. I must work on that fat that's near my armpit because its hanging over the dress like it should be some sort of an accessory. I figured out what I'm doing for my hair..Rockabilly baby!! Can't wait!! Such a glam wedding and this pleases me! I can't wait to do the cake!! OMG It's going to be a masterpiece!!

Side Note: I think that the show "The Big Bang Theory" is by far my new favorite television show!! Bazinga!!!

My Squirrel

2010-01-28T16:37:00.000-05:00

So, tomorrow will hopefully bring me one step closer to having a squirrel to call my own. Which brings my to my post for the day...I'm freaking out man!!!!!

I actually called Steve this morning and said "So, uhm, yeah....uhm, well...if the polyps come back non-cancerous, how long do you want to wait to start the fertility meds?" With no hesitation, he replies with, "No wait, we will just start them right away." My answer? "uhhhhhh.................really?"

Now, I should be thrilled that he is so Gung-Ho right? I am, to a point. Now, this is becoming more and more of a reality. We might actually be making babies soon. We know the sailors swim, we know one of my fallopian faucets works, my hardware is getting cleaned out in the morning, and we are on track to "Let the Baby Making Begin". However...holy shit, this might actually happen.

What if this does happen, and something goes wrong? Will I be able to handle it? Will I even be able to post my happy news on my blog and not feel guilty for my fellow infertil-ites? Will I look at that little ultrasound picture and say " It looks like a Little squirrel?" Will I be a good enough mom? Will I have the strength to show you through life? Will I be able to provide enough for you?

The only thing I can do I think is to hit the ground running and hope for the best. The way life unfolds is the way that it is meant to be my dear sweet little Squirrel! I hope to meet you soon!!!!

Beauty and the Infertility Support Group

2010-01-20T20:28:00.001-05:00

What makes women feel helpless against infertility? What makes women not want to talk about this plague that is upon us? Well I'll tell you what it was for me.
I didn't want to admit that I have something wrong with me. I try to be a support beam for the people around me. I'm strong both physically and mentally and I felt I had to continue this facade, and not lead anyone to believe that there was anything wrong with me. Until now...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...I'M CURRENTLY INFERTILE!!

I'm out of the infertile closet as my fellow blogging "infertile-ites" know. But I want other women to reach out to those of us who are going through it, or have gone through it! I know it may be hard, but talk about it, even harder, but you will eventually get to this point...Laugh about it. When did in a million years think that I would have to have surgery to fix my apparently broken vagina and laugh about it? Never, and it sure as hell wasn't the day of my HSG!!! But it's happening, and I'm over the mourning stage of my broken hardware. The only thing that I can do now is bring awareness, and hopefully laughter, or at least smiles to people dealing with this god awful infertility, and hold on to some hope and faith.

I'm in the process of starting a Infertility Support Group for my State. I've gotten in touch with a really cool chick who's got one going now. In our brief conversation on the phone, She said the size varies from week to week between 3-9 peeps. Soooo, I'm gonna go next week and check it out. Maybe we can do some sort of a merge at some point. If anyone in the Rhode Island Area is interested, email me at (to avoid nasty spammers I'll spell it out): kauffmanlauren14 AT gmail DOT com. They meet on the Last Wednesday of every month at her work from 6-8, and it's a peer to peer support group.

Hope to see some of you there!!!

Finally

2010-01-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I got my date, time, and all that good stuff. January 29th at 7 am, I will be prepping for 9 am surgery. Dr. Babymaker will be removing my polyps and performing a D&C. The things we do for love.

So long as the polyps come back non-cancerous I will start on medication. Clomid I assume, but I'm not 100% sure. I'm feeling hopeful...very hopeful. Could it be possible to have a BFP before the end of the year? Maybe. But for the first time, in a long time I actually feel excited. Like really excited - almost optimistic!

Steve and I have actually been having, "When the time comes" talks instead of "If the time comes". Which is reassuring and fills me with happy thoughts. For the moment, we have decided that WHEN the time comes, we want to be surprised with the sex of the baby. Steve thinks it will be harder to plan, but I told him that we can just register for gift cards at places like Tarjay, wally world and baby gap. While of course I would like to know if I should buy Juicy Couture, or Timberlands, I think I would like the element of surprise after that last push and hearing "it's a..." and being like "Oh my God!"

It makes me tingle when I think about it!!

Rant...

2010-01-08T11:09:00.000-05:00

Seriously...Why do these people get paid so much money to do nothing???? I had an appointment with my RE on 12/16, where she told me she wanted to do a hysteroscopy to remove a polyp in my uterus. But because of Christmas being the following week and New Years the week after, the procedure probably wouldn't be until at least the middle of the month of January. Someone would call me to at least schedule it. Okay...fine.

Here we are, 6 phone calls, 3 weeks, and no scheduled procedure later. I'm still NOT on track to have this growth taken out of my uterus and biopsied. FAN-FREAKIN'-TASTIC!!! These first 6 phone calls, I have been pleasant, cordial, understanding, forgiving. NOT anymore. This is absurd!!! Do these people not realize I am already an emotional wreck. Do they not realize, the sooner I get this done, the sooner I can start some sort of medication, and hopefully the sooner I can get pregnant??!!

I typically, do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt, not anymore. These "scheduling nurses", They don't care, they are just sitting there, on their asses collecting a paycheck. Admiring the photos of their perfect children, OF WHICH were probably conceived when their perspective "Baby Daddy" merely looked at them with a hard on!!!!!

I am so angry right now. If this chick doesn't call me back, I've got half a mind to just go to the office and park my ass until I have a date. I've been through this before, when I had the lap band. Back and forth between the office and the insurance company listening to them say, "Well that's not our responsibility, your insurance company handles that" and vice versa...That ended when I yelled into the phone, "Why am I doing all the work????" "Why are YOU getting paid for doing nothing, and I'm paying to do all of it?" A battle I wasn't even imagining having to go through again.

I love my RE, she's very kind. Nurturing even. But her people....oh nooooooo. They are rude, condescending, and arrogant bitches.

GROWL!!!

thanks for that!!!

2010 - The Year of the Resolution

2009-12-27T00:49:00.000-05:00

Well it's that time of year... The time to set up some New Years Resolutions. I've been pondering what I was to do about this for the upcoming year. I've found that yet again, I am radiating back to the usual suspect resolutions....lose weight, quit smoking, be better with money, do better self maintainence - both physically and mentally. The more I sit and think about it, the longer the list gets. So this year rather than set up one or two resolutions to start right at the beginning of the year, I'll have a whole bunch! So this ought to be interesting.

Here's my list of what I have so far:

1.Lose weight - just over 2 years ago I had lap band surgery to lose weight. I did great, lost 80 pounds in the first year. Then, I slack and slacked and slacked and ended up gaining back about 25.

2. Quit smoking - I know, I know, shame shame on me for smoking and complaining about being infertile. I have no good reason for it except for the fact that I am addicted to it. It's awful.

3. Be happy and positive - For the most part, I'm a fairly happy go lucky person. I know it may be difficult to see that by some of my blogs, but I've been using it to vent more than anything I think. But I was to be happy about things in life, I want to feel joy again and damnit...I'm going to!

4. Stop dwelling so much on the Infertile thing - I'm sure this one is going to be easier said than done. I will continue to go to my appointments and get my girl parts straightened out, but instead of feeling bad for myself when I hear about someone's good news of having a "bun in the oven", I want to be happy with them. I'm not going to politely excuse myself at baby showers and sob silently in the bathrooms. I'm going to give the best gifts instead. :)

5. Be nicer to Steve - He truly is a trooper. He deals with me and my many, MANY quirks and sticks around. I tend to get a little nasty with him, and always end up feeling bad about it. He deserves better than that.

6. Keep a Cleaner House and become more organized - I'm a compulsive bargain shopper, and a pack rat. I've watched this show about people that Hoard things, and have thought to myself, "Oh My God, that's going to be me". I'm going to stop buying things (This ties into number 7) because they are "on sale", or because "I might need them someday". I live in a small one bedroom apartment, with a damp basement storage area, so everything ends up thrown away anyway.

7. Save Money - This is going to happen for a few reasons. I have to contribute to 2 baby showers, a bridal shower, and 2 weddings (one of which I am in). I WILL NOT DO ANY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING THE WEEK OF in 2010. People in the stores are miserable and make me want to overdose on anti-anxiety medication. I want to go on vacation next year, I don't care where, maybe Vegas, just somewhere out of this state.

8. Work on perfection of cake decorating. I love this craft, and (insert self back pat here) I'm pretty good at it, and it's the only "hobby" that can hold my attention from start to finish.

9. Do a better job as a family member- I neglect my parents, Sister, Brother, nieces, and nephews, they all live within a 20 minute radius of me, and the last time I saw anyone before Christmas, was before Thanksgiving. It won't kill me to pull myself off of the couch in some of my down time to go have a coffee for a few hours.

10. Be a better employee - I'm mouthy and have a bad attitude. My job is frustrating because of certain levels of stupidity that I have to deal with. If something or someone is wrong, I instantly have to let everyone know, and it isn't right.

So...those are some of my resolutions. I can do this all, and I'll be sure to keep you posted!

Tis the Season

2009-12-15T14:28:00.000-05:00

So I read about some funny Infertile Christmas Cards from a few different blogs and was inspired to come up with a few on my own:

The Vision: Me wearing an elf hat holding a negative Pregnancy Test, Steve wearing an Santa hat holding an empty sterilized sample cup, my dog wearing antlers holding a basal thermometer in his mouth, my cat rolling on the floor in heat, a lovely tree lit behind us to the left, roaring fire in the background to the right and then the card reads, "Yeah, still no baby, Happy Fucking holidays".

The Vision: Steve driving, white knuckled double grip on the steering wheel. Me with a panicked look on my face with a sperm sample being kept warm in my armpit. "We had to get the sample there in time, but still managed to get your card in the mail! Happy holidays!"

The Vision: Me passed out on the floor wrapped in shiny silver tree garland and lights, with empty containers of feta and blue cheese, shucked oysters, empty bottles of wine, and half eaten hot dogs surrounding me. "you missed out this year, but just think of that little bundle of joy you'll have next year!"

The Vision: An image of a dozen broken eggs on the floor. The inside says "At least your eggs, aren't broken. Happy holidays!"

The Vision: An image of an army of sperm wearing santa hats, The Inside says, "What a gift! Your's function! Merry Christmas"

Those a just a few, hope they made you laugh like they did for me!

Focus on the Good, but first, deal with the Ugly

2009-12-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

So Steve and I are facing a dilemma. Apparently there is some law in Rhode Island, that he will not be able to file for a federal extension. His original 26 week benefit ends the first week of January. As of January first, "If you are in the original 26 week period, you are not eligible for federal extension aid." I find that very ironic since Rhode Island is ranked 3rd highest in the nation for unemployment. There are NO jobs.

That being said, it's going to be a very light Christmas this year. I doubt he and I will be able to exchange gifts with each other and maybe even family. Probably won't be able to host our Christmas eve gathering for friends. We may even have to back out of a wedding that we both are in because I don't know if we will be able to afford the dress and Tux. Ugh, I hate money!

I always have to be the strength, the power, the survivalist. It's hard. I don't get hugs from people or even all that much support. I get "you'll get through it", or, "you're tough, you can handle it". Sometimes I need a hug, sometimes I just need to cry.

Nevermind all this baby garb to top it off! If stress can cause infertility, then looks like I'm never gonna have a bun in the oven. ~Sigh~

Just taking things one day at a time...cause thats all we can do.

Thanks for letting me vent!

While I was google'ing images of Sperm wearing army Helmets,

2009-12-03T12:30:00.000-05:00

I found this and it made me LAUGH so loud!!!

Hmmm, I knew there was a trick!

2009-12-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

All these years, and POOF! My miracle answer!!!! Thank you google ads!!!!

Loss of Faith and Infertility (This one is kind of deep)

2009-12-01T10:42:00.000-05:00

So, I question things, It's just in my nature. I'm the constant "Why?" in conversations. Most recently, I have asked "Why, am I infertile." It must be because I have no faith in religion. I was baptized when I was 10, I think I've been to church, aside from weddings, a total of 5 times since then. I started losing faith, when I was getting picked on as a kid, I lost more faith when a friend committed suicide, lost even more faith when another friend was brutally murdered. Then I turned 18, I started working in the night club industry as a bouncer. I saw more things in a matter 3.5 years, than most people see in a life time. Saw it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, the unsavory. That 3.5 year stint, gave me many things, but also took things away from me. It gave me 2 of the best friends I could ever ask for. It brought me and my BFF even closer because she ended up working with me as a cocktail waitress. Brought another of our middle school friends close to us again. It gave me self confidence, it turned me into a firm, yet compassionate person. It did however, turn me into a workaholic. It made me rely on outside sources (Excessive alcohol and drugs) to be able to relax and actually have a good time when I went out as a patron. It made me lose site of what was important in life for a while.
Then I met Steve. WHEW! He brought my partying to a grinding halt. He doesn't do ANYTHING except watch sports, and coach and play hockey. No bars, no parties, no strip joints. NOTHING! Now it might sound a little bizarre, and maybe even boring, but I look at it like a miracle because I don't know where I would be without meeting him.
So back to where I was going with this...
After a year and a half of dating and 2 days before my birthday, my mother suffered a severe stroke. Leaving her on deaths doorway for a week, and in recovery and in a nursing home for months. This stroke took my strong willed, intelligent, independent mother as I had always known her, away from me. Though she's come much further than they ever expected her to, she is still left in a wheel chair, paralyzed on her right side, can't finish her thoughts. She laid on the floor in her living room for 6 and a half hours. I was 2 blocks away and turned around because I was already 2 hours late for work. But she is here, so that's the positive. But again I ask "Why didn't I stop over her house? Why didn't I turn around?"
Fast forward a few years...A friend of mine was involved in a Car accident that took the life of an 18 year old boy. I was supposed to be in the car with her. "Why didn't I take the ride with her?" "Why was this only child taken from his mother?"

Faith lost. I've gone to counseling to try and sort out these issues. It worked for a while. I've considered going back to church, trying to find that Faith that I once had. I'm afraid to though. Afraid of people thinking I'm only going to church because I need something. I don't know, it's still an incomplete thought.

So, I got to have a hystero -something-something...

2009-11-30T13:40:00.001-05:00

Hysterosalpingogram, or HSG. When Dye is injected into your Uterus and xrays are taken of it. If the dye flows thru, no Blockage in your fallopian tubes! YAY!

I should elaborate a little more on what has gone on as far as my "defective hardware" (my baby makin' parts) goes. I went to the RE as you may have read from previous posts and went on a 10 day script of Progesterone to kick my period into gear, as many of my fellow Infertiles have also done. First day of said "flow" I had to schedule day 3 blood work and the HSG. The only day that was available, was November 25th, my birthday, "Remember to take some Motrin or Advil before you come and don't forget to take the antibiotics. We'll see you on the 25th."

I've come to the conclusion that when doctors tell you take Tylenol or Motrin, they mean take Vicodin or percocet. But since most people don't have a readily available supply and they won't have a Pharmacist dispense one or 2 pills, they tell you to take the far less effective alternative.

The HSG was one of the more uncomfortable experiences of my entire life. Luckily it was an RE from my RE's office that was doing it, and she is SO nice. They had me move around and stuff to try and get the right tube-a-flowing. It was very minimal flow. They also found 2 small masses and decided that they were going to do a Sonohysterogram on the same day. YaY for me and again, Happy Birthday! After having to have my second catheter of the day poked into my cervix, I was informed that I have 2 polyps just sort of hanging around. I was told that I will have to more than likely have them removed. After I collected myself, I told the administering RE that they will need to either knock me out, or numb me from the armpits down. She laughed, I was serious.

So now we wait...Again. December 16th, here we come!

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm Pregnant, oh wait...

2009-11-26T14:48:00.000-05:00

No I'm not! Seriously though, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! But I did however, find out another of my friends is expecting. I got the text, "Happy Thanksgiving!! We're pregnant!!!!" I thought it was sweet. In a "Hi I don't talk to you that often, but guess what?" Kind of way.

So, I went for the HSG yesterday. What a wonderful way to spend my birthday! In a radiology department, spread eagle with 5 people in the room. YAY! Well the news I received wasn't great news, but not awful news. I'll find out more on the 16th.

Holidays are a happy time of year! I love it, my Christmas lights are already up and on, my house smells like a bakery, and I already have my dinner planned for Christmas eve. I'll be happy for all 8 of my (known)preggo friends and probably buy them their "baby's 1st Christmas" ornament for next year. I'll even be happy about it, because this is always the time of year where I push my needs and wants to the side and do my best to make everyone happy.

I sincerely wish you all a happy and safe Holiday season, and best wishes and lots of baby dust for the New Year!

Food Drive

2009-11-18T11:24:00.001-05:00

Well, it hasn't been easy. Also, it hasn't been a total loss. I'm up to about 85ish pounds of food. A drop in the bucket to the 5,000 pound goal, but I've gotten great support from many people and thank them immensely for that. Some people though, wow! That's the only word I can think of. I'm just going to use this as a positive post, because I am trying to surround myself positivity. Tis the season right??

So, how about that baby making thing right? Well, it's okay. I go for blood work tomorrow, and Next Wednesday I got for my HSG. Happy Birthday to me. I go for the follow up and all of the results on December 16th. I would really like to be able to tell Steve on his birthday (January) that I'm Pregnant. (Again, holding on to the positivity!)

With all the hopes that I've been having lately, (Overly emotional, thanks Progesterone) I've really been hoping the most, that when the time comes I'll be a good mother. Even when I was young, I was always told "You are going to be a great mom". But I question it, "will I be able to provide a nurturing loving atmosphere?", "will I be able to provide a financially stable life for my child?". It's nerve racking when I think about it. I just tell myself, I'll do the best that I can.

Lauren's 5,000 in 5 Days

2009-11-16T00:03:00.000-05:00

“Laurens 5,000 in 5”

Goal: 5 days to Raise 5,000 pounds of food for the Rhode Island Food Bank.

Start Date: Monday, November16
End Date: Friday, November 20

After reading some statistics about the poverty and unemployment levels in our state, I’ve taken it upon myself to put this together today (Sunday- 11/15/09). However, I need your help!!! Please consider donating and Please ask coworkers, friends, family to help in my cause and donate some non perishable food items by Friday and I can arrange pick up and/or drop off Saturday
11-21-09.
EVEN ONE CAN WILL HELP!!!
If you would like to leave a note with an email address or a phone number, I’ll be more than happy to keep you posted and let you know if I reach my goal!!!

Thank you!
With Thankful Love,
LK

Progesterone

2009-11-14T18:24:00.002-05:00

Oh my dear sweet friend. For the past 9 days you have made me cry, be angry, make my uterus hurt, and made me have acne. Thank you.

I've been pulled into "The Office" at work, and when I was asked "Is everything okay?", I broke down and said "No! I'm an emotional wreck!" My husband has asked me "When are you done taking those things?" My question, maybe assumption, well actually hope would be that this is normal.

I know I know, you're probably reading and are thinking to yourselves, "oh god, another Newbie". I'm sorry! I've been through runs with Progesterone before but never has it made me like this! I haven't felt motivated for anything!!

Big Day Today

2009-11-04T10:27:00.000-05:00

So, today is the big Day. Steve and I have an appointment with the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) at 2 PM. I’m really trying hard to be optimistic about this appointment.

The Positive: “Oh you just aren’t ovulating. Here is some Progesterone to make you have your period and here is some Clomid to make you ovulate and POOF!, you’ll be pregnant within 3 months” That’s the positive.

The negative, “Your husband shoots blanks. We just don’t like your uterus. Aliens may have abducted you and implanted you with a permanent contraceptive.”

I’ll lay it out flat, I’m scared shitless of what they may or may not tell me. We can only try and stay positive and hope for the best.

Beauty and the Day Before Halloween

2009-10-30T09:24:00.001-04:00

So I wake up today, like any Friday and realize YESSSSS, Dress Down Day!!!! However, since today is the day before Halloween, I'm using it to my advantage. Sweat pants and a ragged Hoodie! SWEET!!! When anyone asks what I'm supposed to be, I'll smile and say, "A Depressed Infertile Woman". Life is Grand!!

Beauty and the Questions

2009-10-29T11:42:00.000-04:00

"Are you Ever going to have kids?"
~My answer: Eventually, when the timing is right.
~My ACTUAL Thoughts: I don't know, I'm losing hope by the second. Know anyone that is pregnant that I can buy their fetus from?

"Why don't you have kids yet."
~My Answer: Well we've been working at it. It's fun to practice!
~My ACTUAL Thoughts: Because there is something wrong with me? My body doesn't like the idea? Why do YOU have so many kids??

"Is it hard for you?"
~My Answer: Sometimes it's difficult, but then I realize, "Everything happens for a reason"
~My ACTUAL Thoughts: NO IT'S A F^&KING WALK IN THE PARK! ho hum, tra la la, I can't make a baby, yippeee KI YAY! Idiot...

"Have you been to a specialist?
My Answer: No, we were trying to do things the old fashion way. But we have an appointment set up
My ACTUAL Thought: No, nor the butcher, the baker or the candle stick maker. Do you think I'm ready to hear someone tell me that my ovaries are dormant, or my husbands sperm may as well be Elmers Glue and my vagina should be sewn shut forever??

"what does your doctor say?"
My Answer: Which one? I have a few. Oh the OB/GYN, he says I should see a fertility specialist, and start taking prenatal Vitamins.
My ACTUAL Thought: Which One? I've been through 8 OB/GYN's in the past 10 years.

"Do you want a Boy or a Girl?"
My Answer: I'll take either. Though girls are easier to potty train. ~Insert uncomfortable giggle here~
My ACTUAL Thought: REALLY?????!!!!! Did you not hear that I have been TRYING for a BABY for 6 years?? What would you think I would want? a Goat? Maybe a Liger?

I understand the people who don't have infertility issues don't really get it. I also understand that they are curious. Unfortunatley with the exception of a few people who share my off color humor, the questions are less than original. Here's another sample.

Idiot: "Do you want kids?"
Me: uhm, yes, very much so.
Idiot: "want one of mine? I have a smart ass 13 year old you can take"
Me: Well that's generous of you, but I'll pass.~Smile and sip coffee~
My actual thought: "YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PARENT!!! THAT'S WHY YOUR KID MOUTHS OFF TO YOU, AND DOES TERRIBLY IN SCHOOL!!!"

Me: This really sucks. Another person shared their Joyous news and I puked in my mouth again.
Sarcastic Friend: They can have fun with formula puke, never sleeping again for the next 2 years, and a beat up vagina.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah but It still sucks, I would give up sleep for the rest of my life for a baby.
Sarcastic Friend: Hmmm, You know, have you tried Craigslist??
Me: Oh My God! You can Buy Babies on craigslist??
Sarcastic Friend: I bet it's cheaper AND Faster than Adoption!

This is what keeps me going!

Beauty and Infertility

2009-10-27T16:34:00.009-04:00

Well, Now I've come to terms, and I'm ready to make the announcement. Ladies and Gentlemen, my husband and I are struggling with infertility. "Yay! I'm So Happy!" ~Please insert sarcasm here~ After 6 years of being reproductively challenged, Steve and I are going to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist on the 4th of November.

Allow me to elaborate on why I have decided to "come out" of the infertile closet.

I read another blog today, that talks about this topic, and it inspired me. (You'll read why I read this blog shortly) Not only did I instantly feel like she and I both had a mental bond, with the funny, witty, sarcastic, bitter, and cynical comments, but also her passion for wanting children. Certain parts made me laugh out loud, like LOUD. Certain parts made me realize, "Okay good, I'm not the only one who feels this way".

I've found that now, instead of feeling Joy in hearing the delightful news that best Friends, family members, coworkers, coworkers wives, neighbors, the ladies in the super market, characters in movies...well....you get the point. Instead of being happy with them at one of life's major turning points, I feel sadness, emptiness, and self pity. It feels like I've been punched directly in the uterus, like someone has ripped my beating heart from my chest, They've thrown it on the floor and danced the ChaCha on it while a Mariachi Band plays Gleefully in the background...as if someone is saying, "Ha! Take that LOSER!"

I feel this way for AT MINIMUM, 24-72 hours, and then...I'm fine. I can experience that joy and show true happiness for my friends and their little Bun in the Oven.

Case and point: Yesterday I get the news a coworker is pregnant. YAY, it wasn't a direct blow. It stung a little bit, but it wasn't bad. And then, the big bomb dropped. My best friend, partner in crime, Friday Night Shenanigan's buddy, and also coworker, (seriously, it's awesome working with my best bud, with the inside jokes, rubber band wars, checking out the hotties...sorry have I mentioned yet that I have a slight case of A.D.D.) So yeah, she took a Pee Stick Test. A Pee stick test that I brought for her because she took one and it came back, "Kind of positive". Because I have stock piles of pregnancy tests in my bathroom closet, (I'm not kidding, I currently have 3 brands in the closet!) I decided to share the wealth. I brought a good one so there would be no question. These bad boys spell it out if you are expecting. P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T OR N-O-T P-R-E-G-A-N-T. There's no "M-A-Y-B-E". Anyway, so she goes to the bathroom at work (because we HAVE to know now) pees on it and comes back with this little white, 6 inch long, fortune teller cradled in her hand. Here's the dialogue:

Her: How long does this take?
Me: 1-3 minu..
Her: GASP
Me: Oh My God ~insert pang of jealousy~

I then proceed to give her a her a hug, tell her I'm so happy for her. And then, I run. Well, I walked fast. Right into the bathroom, where I locked the door, hovered of the toilet, burst into tears and vomited at the same time. I heard her knock. I didn't say a word. I just held my breath and waited for her to walk away. After a full 10 minute mental melt down, I went back to my desk and googled, "Is it normal to feel jealous of a friend that's pregnant". After clicking and scrolling, I found my answer. Thanks Kate!!

So, if you also are infertile, and think you can stomach my blunt, forceful, sometimes pitiful, and sometimes vulgar stories and what I'm going through. (and you might be too) Feel free to follow my blog! I also have my own blog site, www.LKSAYS.com. But I will say, I tend to procrastinate, (Hence the breaks in between posting) I'll do my best to keep it updated!

Beauty and the Weekend

2008-10-27T13:16:00.002-04:00

Thursday night I went to the Support Group. It was a quiet night but it's all good. Saw LB, My GOD! That girl has done SO well!!! 215 pounds, gone FOREVER in 1 year. KUDOS TO YOU LB I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

Had a Halloween party Saturday night at Michale and Christina's house. It was a Blast. Steve and I had a more original Costume scheme. Little red riding hood and the big bad wolf after the wolf ate Grannie. LOL Pics are soon to follow! There were quite a few store bought double vision costumes, sexy cops, sexy bumble bee's, it was cool though! Michael and Chris have the BEST parties! They are always so laid back!!!

Sunday I ended up sleeping until about 2 oclock. So we had quite the lazt day. Went for a nice ride through Scituate. Stopped at both sets of parents houses for quick visits.

Just a nice weekend all around.

Beauty and the Support Group

2008-10-23T12:29:00.005-04:00

Well I have a Support Group meeting tonite. I'm pretty excited about it! I haven't been in a couple of months and it's nice to see the progress everyone has made! I keep an eye on everyone on OH but I'm mainly been lurking there when I have a spare minute. I posted a few weeks ago, because I've been in such a rut. I was having quite a "moment". I was very discouraged, but my saving grace...my friends from that website were so helpful and offered some great suggestions. To them I am grateful. I went to follow up with Dr. G. last Wednesday and I had lost the 5 pounds that I had gained at my last visit. Still not exactly where I want to be, but it's my own fault. Accountability. GROWL! I have to be accountable, and then I get so angry with myself when I read the label AFTER I devour something I shouldn't. Or when I eat something that I think is better than a cookie and it has more calories. So then I get frustrated and then throw in the towel and self destruct myself for 2-3 days. NO MORE! I've got my good friend Kel, from LBT who keeps me motivated. She sends me texts of her skinny ass, and of her numbers going down and down and down, and it helps! Thanks girl!! So now I'm really trying to watch what I eat. And no more snacking. Maybe I'll incorporate some gym activities in there!

Beauty and the Recap

2008-10-21T10:43:00.003-04:00

Howdy! Well again, it's been a while! Things have been busy to say the least. Work is crazy between both jobs. The day job has been slow which sucks because it should be VERY busy at this point, and working 3 night at the other job which is fine and will come in very handy for christmas time. Hockey....hockey hockey hockey. Well we completed our first annual Fight Like a Girl Tournament. it was very successful and all o the teams want to come back next year. We came close to reaching our goal, so hopefully next year we will make it a little closer!

To follow up with the last post. I do not have Breast cancer, the radiologist looked at my results and said there was nothing to be alarmed with. BONUS!!

I've lost the 5 pounds that I gained which is good now I just have to get back to the gym!! I've still got about 80 pounds to go before i hit goal which means i need to tops shoving my face with gross sugar and fat.

What else is new? Well Steve has been out of commission due to a knee injury. He's got another follow up with the doctor today. Getting results back from blood work done. (Tested for Lyme Disease, and MS) Hopefully if he takes my advice he will ask to be screened for rheumatoid arthritis. We are keeping our fingers crossed and hoping that it is just a ligament or cartilidge tear and he will have surgery and be back and at'em in a couple of weeks. It's killing him to not be out on the ice.

So back to me! LOL I'm one year post op and according to Dr. G I'm down about 84 pounds. She doesn't count the preop stuff. Just from the day of surgery. So, I've got a ways to go. 74 more to hit initial goal 94 to hit over all goal. I'm thinking that some of that will come off with plastic surgery when the time comes for that. So gym, gym gym gym I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE GYM!!!!!!!

Beauty and Breast Cancer

2008-08-25T23:27:00.007-04:00

Well...in all my days of thinking I was invincible....I'm not. I've got to go Wednesday for a Mammogram. Thrilling! I've got a couple of lumps, and because of the family history the doc thinks its best we check it out. I was supposed to go today, but there was a problem with the machine, so the rescheduled for Wednesday. Needless to say I'm a little bit nervous, but not as bad as some might be. But what can I do? Just get back on the horse and keep on keepin' on!

It's just Ironic, I'm so for Breast Cancer Research and Awareness...it's just different when it could be a reality for yourself. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, just another fun filled day of working both jobs. Besides that not much scale moved down another pound. So that's good news!! Back down to 251! WooHoo!! Well, it's a short one tonite, but hey...at least I did it!!

TTYS!

Beauty and the Blog

2008-08-23T11:15:00.005-04:00

Well well well, so here I sit...again, with the full intention of getting the blog thing going!! Definitely subscribe to my Blogger Blog and not just my myspace blog. I'll keep you posted and you can comment, and we can all keep each other motivated! My main focus from here on out with this journey is going to be accountability. My entire life has revolved around food. Happy - eat, Sad -eat, depressed - eat, you get the gist. I still focus on food...alot, the Food network is my porn. I love to host dinners at my house though, my guests however have a larger appetite than I do. So part of my plan is to create and redevelop classic recipes to be normal/weight loss surgery friendly. Keep your eye out for some yummy stuff!

As most of you know, I had weight loss surgery in October of 2007. I've met so many great people and have such an incredible out pouring of support from family, friends, message board buddies, etc that you have really kept my motivation high. Even though I haven't lost much weight in the past few months, I haven't gained either. So thanks!!!

Stay aboard, we've still got a life long ride to go!!